“Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.”

The list of my wrongs was very long for God, halve that for admitting to another human being the exact nature of my wrongs. Me admitting to me is another story, as I found myself to be always in the right when in addiction. It can some times turn into something called ‘victim mentality.’ Full blown victim mentality is quite ugly. When you think the world owes you is wrong on all levels, especially if you are a christian, where God owes us nothing but graciously gives anyway.

I know that no human being can forgive me like God can. I know that no human being can be trusted like God can be trusted with all my dark and horrible sins. No human is prepared to send themselves, or their child to death, for the sake of me either. Not a single person. Yet Jesus went, without question, to a horrible death on the cross for us all.

That includes me. I can’t even trust myself. I wouldn’t sacrifice myself for my boys. Or would I die for them? Well I proved in addiction that my needs were more important than they were. I remember my son walking out of the house crying, “but I want to stay with you Mum,” after I had called a friend to come and get them and drive them to their fathers house.

God sent His son into the world just primarily to die for every sin ever. This is why talking to Him about my sins and knowing he not only forgives me, but will love me regardless, is a great place to be.

Herein lies the quirky upside of this whole scenario. God says, “go and sin no more.” Now this is where the ‘will’ kicks in. My will is strong. My will has the power to destroy lives. Without remorse. It’s a power that can be used for good or evil. I know that nothing evil lives in me when I accept Jesus into my life as Lord and Saviour. I am no longer a slave to sin because Jesus lives within me.

It’s a daily ritual going through the 12 steps that keeps me close to God. Everybody on the planet should be doing the 12 steps. I’ll show you how basic it is; how Christian it is; how helpful it is to do them.

Step 1: I can’t (because my life is unmanageable)

Step 2: He can (God can)

Step 3: Let Him (let God)

Step 4: look within (make an inventory of my wrong doings and be honest)

Step 5: admit wrongs (from doing inventory)

Step 6: Ready self for change (contemplation)

Step 7: Seek God’s help (ask God to take it away)

Step 8: Become willing

Step 9: Make amends (with God, family, friends, all people affected by us in addiction)

Step 10: Daily Inventory (see step 4. This is maintenance)

Step 11: Pray and Meditate (daily, by moment)

Step 12: Give it away (pass message on)

So in a nutshell, (1) You can’t do life alone, (2) God is waiting for you, (3) so let him have everything. (4) Write wrongs down and (5) admit it to God. (6) There will be change in you, (7) if you seek God with all your heart. (8) Be willing and be (9) prepared to see life totally differently. (10) Do this ritually and (11) pray pray pray, read, read, read. (12) give the message that you learnt to others around you who are in addiction.

A lot of people who find success with the 12 steps (it’s The most successful program that keeps people sober), go on to study social work, counselling, drug and alcohol related studies. They want to put back into society what was given to them. They see how it works if you work it. Unfortunately a lot of people relapse. Something less than 5% after their first soberversary stay sober. Its a sad fact. I am nearly 5 years sober and, even though I am sober now and can’t see any relapse in sight, even after the deaths of Mum and Dad, there is always a small amount of doubt.

The 12 steps. Simple, successful, life saving, a pathway to eternal life and most importantly will keep you sober.

“If the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed” John 8:36

Step 2 of the AA Big Book says…”We became aware that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.”

There are so many things I could write about here. The obvious being who is that power that’s greater than us, but as a Christian, for me it’s always been, and always will be Jesus.

But I’d rather have fun writing about the insanity of addiction.

“Have one drink Wendy.” They would say, but I am unable to even contemplate what that means. One drink is like a tickle, then that phenomenon of craving starts. It’s that insane thought that washes over you after one drink and you know the power has left you. It’s a paradox for the Christian, you know you have the power of the Holy Spirit in you, yet that overwhelming sensation takes hold, that has to be satiated. Then, next thing you know, blackout. Hours have been lost. Dignity, lost. Trust from others lost, because you promised you’d just ‘have one’.

Then, the guilt, the remorse, the insanity starts it’s cycle. The prayers, begging for forgiveness from God the promises of, “tomorrow I’ll quit.” It’s a vicious cycle that seems like an eternal treadmill.

I cannot, and will not answer anyone who asks me, “why can’t you just have one.” I would love to be that person. The AA big book p.xxviii (the doctors opinion) puts it as succinctly as I could ever dream to write…”Men and women drink essentially because they like the effect produced by alcohol. The sensation is so elusive that, while they admit it is injurious, they cannot after a time differentiate the true from the false. To them, their alcoholic life seems the only normal one. They are restless, unless they can again experience the sense of ease and comfort which comes at once by taking a few drinks-drinks which they see others take with impunity. After they have succumbed to the desire again, as so many do, and the phenomenon of craving develops, they pass through the well-known stages of spree, emerging remorseful, with a firm resolution not to drink again. This is repeated over and over, and unless this person can experience an entire psychic change there is very little hope of his recovery.”

We alcoholics see others drink with impunity means basically they have freedom from the injurious consequences of their actions. Lots of people can drink, but do not have that desire to keep drinking.

The big book goes on to say…”On the other hand-and as strange as this may seem to those who do not understand-once the psychic change has occurred, the very same person who seemed doomed, who had so many problems he despaired of ever solving them, suddenly finds himself easily able to control his desire for alcohol, the only effort necessary being that required to follow a few simple rules.” (p. xxix)

The only solution is complete abstinence and to rigorously follow the simple rules of the AA Big Book.

God is a God of miracles. His plan is the best plan. I am restored to sanity, finally. I was bought to a very dark place. It took many years to reach, and I can honestly say I understand now what God may have had in mind for me. I can talk to drunks, druggies, homeless, the insane. I understand them. They are my Peeps. I had to go through it all to understand fully what it’s like for them. I have met but a few who aren’t addicts that get the plight of those who are addicts.

Romana 8:28 says, “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.

Next Step 3 of the AA Big Book.

How many people have heard that we’d either be at ‘A chunk, A monk, A hunk OR A drunk’ When we came out of COVID?
When I heard that sales of alcohol had gone through the roof, it didn’t surprise me and that a lot of people, including Christians, would come out as drunks.
Addicts are not good in isolation. When we isolate, we enter our heads and become ‘busy’ in our thoughts. No one foresaw what was about to happen at the beginning of the year, but now, in October, 2020, our heads are reeling still.

What just happened.

Has anyone put on a lot of weight OR became an exercise guru? Did anyone have so much spare time that they read their bible and discovered things about God that they hadn’t seen before and became so In tune with the Holy Spirit that their prayer life has changed for the greater good? OR did you drink that little bit more and say to yourself every day, “It’s ok because when COVID is over, I’ll quit.”?

can I just say, that I have put on weight, my reading and prayer life is just as lacking as It was before COVID, I didn’t exercise anymore than I did before COVID AND best of all I can proudly say I am sober still. So there must be more categories apart from Chunk, Monk, Hunk, Drunk.

I must also say, the CLASSIC line of an addict is “I know I can quit.” No you can’t. You cannot quit on your own. Try it now. Quit. Just like that. No one yet has been able to, that is if they’re an addict. If you’re drinking everyday and possibly more than you used to before COVID and being truthful to yourself, is the answer to quitting ‘YES’?
Our addictive mind lies to us. I often said to me, more often than I would like to confess, that “I can stop whenever I like. I just choose not to stop (drinking).” The problem was(is) I love(d) alcohol. I cannot JUST have one. If I pick up a drink it’s to oblivion. I say to the ‘one drink’ drinker, “how can you have only one?”

recently I had a lovely lunch with my son at the old Customs House Restaurant and watched 2 couples also having a relaxed meal out. The lady of the first couple sat on one glass of wine and to my amazement left a half empty glass (or was it half full). She seemed more preoccupied with the glass of water. My addicts mind went to places that I care not repeat here, needless to say I was truely in awe of someone having half a glass of wine. I cannot do that. If, for arguments sake the alcohol ran out (when I was in addiction) I would have a trusty bottle in my bag to drink (if need be in the toilet block). The alcohol never, ever ran out and, on top of that, I drank the bottle in my bag as well. This is drinking alcoholically. So when someone now says “just have one“, I know they are not an addict. They can have a few sips, half a glass. I admire them for NOT being an addict.

now for the second couple. Two mates having after lunch drinks, one bloke sat on one beer, the other bloke had a beer and a cocktail lined up at the same time. The first bloke downed only half his beer and left. The second left after every drop of both drinks was finished. I related to him more.

so back to the basics of this whole story and the challenge starts with step one, and this is back to basics of the AA Big Book, ‘We admitted we were powerless over our addiction – our lives had become unmanageable.’
This step, for the Christian, is the hardest of all. I struggled with it for 22 year, in fact I was like most Christians and blissfully unaware of the state of my soul. I finally (before admitting myself Into a detox unit), that I can’t do it on my own, that I need a power greater than myself to help me. This power is the Lord Jesus Christ Himself. He knew no sin and had no need for drinking alcoholically (because he was so close to His Father that he didn’t need to be drunk). So too can we be so close to God that our minds are filled with wonder and awe and love of Him.
Don’t you want to be so close that the last thing you think of when you go to bed is the Father, the Son and the infilling of the Holy Spirit, AND when you wake up you say “Good morning Lord”. Yes I do too😃

I’m a step closer than I was yesterday to being closer to God and will only fully reach this perfect state when I’m in the presence of my loving saviour.

I hope to DEBUNK all those people who think we will all come out of COVID as only just drunks, monks, hunks, or chunks.

“I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good but I cannot carry it out.”

Romans 7:18

………….

next blog is about step 2 of the AA Big Book

Being involved with Overcomers Outreach has given me a great insight into what it’s like to facilitate a group within a church context. OO started 17 years ago in Sydney with Penny Wilkinson. It’s a 12 step group but with Jesus as our higher power. No apologies there. OO also caters for every addiction not just alcohol and drugs. Eating, gambling, sex, work, relationship etc.

For 90% of addictive behaviours lies the root cause of trauma in childhood. So we basically are all wired with this insatiable desire to do something over the top and at risk of hurting ourselves and others.

Outreach groups. One in Broadmeadow and the other in East Maitland. Hoping soon to start Raymond terrace and Cardiff. Penny said “be careful of burnout”, but I have to take the risk. The voice of addiction in church is a silent monster. It destroys lives, families, friendships, marriages and most importantly our walk with God.

What is our lord when we are addicts? It’s not God. I remember every morning praying the sorry prayer to God but by 3 (and subsequently earlier as my addiction grew) I was plotting and planning my next bender. I’d be completely drunk by 5. And it didn’t stop there. I would go out (yes drive) for more alcohol.

I did go DUI twice and loose my license for twelve months. I then had to put a breathalyser in my car to start it up. It’s humiliating.

Back to OO and facilitating church groups. It’s basically difficult. If you don’t have people beside you and praying and helping it’s a difficult job I would imagine. But I have a faithful group of woman praying every Monday morning for the sick and suffering drug addicts and alcoholic at our local rehab centre. I have a lady in the church that wouldn’t even dream of missing an OO meeting. She’s not an addict but She loves seeing addicts recover. Plus I have pastors that see a real need in the community.

If there’s a need and God has a plan for you, then run with it. You will be blessed out of your little cotton socks. God is just waiting for us to do His will. You are on another plane working with him not against Him. Because as a Christian AND an alcoholic I’ve been going against Him for years. Surrendering to alcoholism and attending AA every week and being in fellowship with other Christians life is good. Still Hard. but good.

Recently, at the Overcomers Outreach group that I facilitate, we were going through step 4. Step 4 is where we have to be honest and make an inventory. Like a list of things we’ve done wrong, and be honest about it. We have to be fearless about it. Do you know how hard this is to do. I think most addicts would say (if they’re honest) that we are ok! It’s not us, it’s everyone else. Everyone owes us because we are poor, we are homeless, we can’t get work, we didn’t deserve to get sacked, we didn’t make him/her move out, they’ve got the issues, not me.

BUT….

We are very selfish by nature. The first thing we learn to say, after mum Mum or dad dad, is NO.

So it’s not surprising that as adults it’s not cute anymore AND we can’t get away with it.

Ok, example…I’m 55. I rent my house. I don’t have any rainy day money. I don’t have a job at the moment. Who’s fault is that. Yep, it’s mine. I choose to spend all those years in addiction. Spending my money on alcohol. But I hear you say, ‘but I’m powerless over this addiction!’

Yes, we are powerless but we also have someone we can go to for everything and lay it at His feet. Jesus doesn’t mind if we take a few steps forward then backwards, as long as we are moving forward. To Him.

It’s like the prodigal Dad. We were that son. We took it all and in our pride thought we could do it on our own.

I hate to tell you folks but we can’t. We cannot do anything on our own. I know. I’ve tried. Fell flat every time. It’s taken 50 years (and hopefully you get this long before I did) but we can’t survive without Jesus as the centre. I can only say that the longer I left it to fully grasp this idea, the more I now want to dedicate every waking moment to helping people realise that Jesus loves you. Yes your an addict, but God’s love is bigger than your addiction.

Hand it over to Him.

Do step 4…yes…I need to make an inventory every day of my life, this is ongoing til I die, but wow, everyone should look inwardly and see how they’ve grieved God in this day, hour, moment.

He loves us, and like the father of the prodigal son, his arms are open wide, lovingly, patiently waiting for us to return to his boosum.

We learn from Acts 13 that we have to Spread The Word-God’s Word. Why? Because it is THE good, pure, infallible Word of God. What is the Word? It’s His message to us, all of us, because He loves us. How do we start to spread this message? First we have to believe this message.

As an alcoholic we have to get to the point of admitting (and this is tough) that we, on our own, cannot manage our lives. Our lives are out of control. Our thoughts are for most of the time scattered, unpredictable and unprincipled. We have no one but ourselves to gauge whether or not our thoughts and actions are pure, worthy of respect, right, lovely, good, true, worthy of sharing, brings peace, of excellence (Phil 4:8Amp). We are inside our heads on waking til we go to sleep again that night (and so goes the merry-go-round of addiction).

We have unmanageable lives as addicts. We know it. But seem paralysed to stop that cycle of addiction. The conversation goes something like this: “I promise Lord that tomorrow I will quit. I will have this one drink (drug, food, gamble, porn show etc). Tomorrow I promise I WILL quit because I know I can.” (lot’s of ‘I’s’ in that small sentence.) No we can’t on our own because tomorrow we give into our addiction again and again and again. We spiral then into depression and self pity and self loathing. To stop the thoughts we drink and drug again. This brings us to eventually, if or when we get to this point is to acknowledge with all our heart, mind, soul that nothing can be done on our own. We need God.

We needed and believed in God when we were young. Even if our families were agnostics, as children we believed without question. God was real, then we grew up.

From admitting our life is unmanageable, we then believe He can. (He is God the Creator of the Universe). God CAN restore us to sanity. Without God our lives are insane. (Romans 7:8). “I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature…)

We have to let Him take over our will, our strong will. It’s Okay to do this because He will take care of it better than we ever will. (Proverbs 3:5-6 Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean NOT on your own understanding….He will make your path straight)

There are many more steps to take on the road to recovery. Remembering that this is a daily thing to do. A once off won’t cut it. As an addict we like to take things back especially if we have relapsed. If we take our eyes off God for one second we are back in addiction. Drinking, drugging, turning to another relationship, gambling). I can guarantee it, that once you take your eyes off your Creator and do things on your own can spell death. As an addict myself I know death was where I was heading. Bring it on. Nothing could be worse than living the way I was. It was a win/win for me.

NEVER take your eyes off God.

The good news is that there is something that stops us from drinking and that is spreading the word. ACTS 13.

In AA step 12 is to ‘Give it Away’. When we’ve had our spiritual awakening as a result of working through recovery steps (AA BIG BOOK, 12 Step recovery Program) we get to where we have to work hard. As an addict I didn’t want hard work. Its easier to be miserable, self pitying, wallow in our ‘defects of character’, blame others for where we are (and some of us have very traumatic backgrounds), BUT we have to Spread the Word. Spread the news on how God bought us out of darkness into the light. Freed us from our daily pity party. Strengthened us to do things we never ever thought we could do.

Only spreading His message can we find peace in this “addicts’ head.

There are steps in between ‘knowing our life is unmanageable without God to spreading the Word BUT it is worth it because it keeps us out of our heads and talking about how much Jesus loves us. It keeps us sober. When a new member enters AA doors with as little as 24 hours sobriety, red eyes from crying, and a heart to stay sober, your own heart rejoices and you WANT to keep spreading the word.

Acts 13:47

For the Lord gave us this command when he said,

‘I have made you a light to the Gentiles, to bring salvation to the farthest corners of the earth.’

New Year’s Eve…ahhh… the highlight for the addict is this day. It’s a day when we say that’s it…I’m done with drinking (drugging)…I promise tomorrow is the first day of the rest of my sober life.

We are going to go out big. This is my last bender. My last blackout. I’ll throw up the contents of my stomach for the last time. I’m excited. I CAN do this. I know I can. I know I’ve said this before but this is it. Today is the day. And I promise God again I’ll do it.

Then, by 10, 11, 12, I’m planning my next drink. By 3 I’ve gone to BWS and bought a cheap bottle. I’m drinking it in the car. I’ve poured it into an empty coffee cup from 7/11 with the lid on. (It’s a lot easier to drink and less conspicuous than a bottle).

Where is my will power. I’ve cried to God “take this away from me.”

I stupidly think He’s not listening, but in reality it’s me worshipping another God. The god of alcohol. Cunning, baffling, chronic alcohol.

It feel like 40 years in the desert. Without water and nourishment. But when you make it. It’s incredible. Without alcohol for 936 days. I never thought I’d be here. Praising God for never leaving me or forsaking me like He promised. He’s bought me to a power place. Lonely but powerful. I’m taking a huge leap of faith this year (2020). I didn’t get continuing working from last year. I’m paid up to 20/1/20. I’m studying as well to do Alcohol and other Drugs.

I’m excited. Never been here before which is totally dependant on God but I’m doing it this year.

Woohoo. Watch this space.

Lord keep me firmly grounded, sober and being thankful.

Amen

Ahhhhh over at last. I’m laying in bed at the end of another white knuckle day. White knuckle days are those days that, as an addict you don’t think you’ll get through with your sanity intact.

But alas, God has been faithful to me again. I’m sober and sane.

I’ve survived. Praise Him. Nearly every addict says this at the end of Christmas Day.

Christmas Eve was particularly tough as well, but I went along to my local AA group and found myself nodding my head for two hours at everyone’s shares. It’s called the nodding disease. We get together at meetings and after awhile you consciously realise you’ve been unconsciously nodding at every word spoken at the meeting.

Christmas started with attending my local church. Interestingly enough my minister read Psalm 23. Ive always called it the near death Psalm but I now see it as the psalm of sobriety.

The Lord is my shepherd;
I have all that I need. [in sobriety it’s one day at a time one step at a time walking with Jesus]
He lets me rest in green meadows; [there is no rest in addiction. In fact it’s exhausting and we addicts only sleep when we come down from a high then you can’t wake us up]

he leads me beside peaceful streams. [wow even just reading this makes me think how much better it is to walk with Jesus in this valley than doing it on my own in addiction, because on my own my life is unmanageable]
He renews my strength. [in addiction you run on false energy only to find you come to the end of yourself and collapse in a heap totally spent. Exhausted and not caring if you live or die]
He guides me along right paths, [when you realise that the path you’re on is treacherous, the hardest thing to do is to get on the right path, the true path]
bringing honor to his name. [anything to get out of my head and to do something for someone other than my self centred self].

Even when I walk
through the darkest valley, [addiction is the road to death. If unchecked it’s fatal]
I will not be afraid,
for you are close beside me. [only when we do step 1 of the AA Big Book admitting we can’t do anything on our own do we realise that we need God. Without getting to this place we are doomed]<
Your rod and your staff
protect and comfort me. [we don’t have to worry about anything when we chose to hand over our will to God. I’d rather be a sheep led by a loving caring shepherd than be manipulated by a substance that has my mind warped and bent with false pride and false hope]
You prepare a feast for me
in the presence of my enemies. [God will give you the strength to say no even to your dealer. It’s true]
You honor me by anointing my head with oil. [Ask someone to pray over you and anoint your head with oil. It’s not a magic potion but when you pray out loud to God with another it’s more powerful and mightier than we can ever imagine. Don’t believe me….try it and tell me it doesn’t work!]

My cup overflows with blessings. [when we work the steps on a daily basis miracles happen. I am a living testament to this and ask any grateful recovering addict]

,
Surely your goodness and unfailing love will pursue me
all the days of my life,
and I will live in the house of the Lord forever [when we hand our wills over to God daily He rejoices with all the heavenly host. He gets pleasure when someone turns from their addiction to Him. Every addict wants Peace. Only true peace can be found with the God of the Bible. Seek Him now.

Amen.

Merry Christmas and bring on 2020 in sobriety.

PS I had a lovely sober lunch with my beautiful supportive family. (a lot of people have to put up with family and friends still drinking around them.) I Praise God for my family. I attended an AA meeting and was again blessed to be with this family sharing common thoughts about Christmas. (It’s not all doom and gloom at Christmas

but it’s an addicts most popular time because we get away with drinking and drugging with everyone else and it’s OKay. The only thing is the moderates can stop but we can’t stop…..then it’s time to white knuckle for New Year’s Eve. One night of the year when we may end up in a blackout and wake up in a foreign town, bed, or place for a day or two or three. We walk a thin line this time of year.

So to all of you white knucklers…hang in there. Keep your seat and get to an AA meeting. You’ll be so glad you did.

One particular night in church most of the evening service congregation wasn’t present due to a church camp. The remnant were sitting down the back at the request of our minister. He had the idea to make it less formal. He wanted us all to share a bit about our journeys. I could sense from the back rows where the WHOsies (as I lovingly call our rehab members) sat that created a bit of tension. They wriggled uncomfortably in their seats. After prayer Roger announces “who wants to share first?” Without hesitation I grabbed the microphone and, probably a bit too enthusiastically, said “hello, I’m Wendy, a grateful recovering alcoholic of so many day”

I could see them from the front turn to each other in surprise. I went on to say how I had once been at the WHOs rehab facility and how it had bought me to this church and to a good place with God.

One by one they raised their hands to come out the front. Mostly short talks, and mainly for requesting prayers for their children that they hadn’t seen, court cases that were coming up or struggles they were facing.

To me it was one of the most blessed nights in church. It’s hard to be brave and take that step forward but once you have and know you’re doing God’s will for your life it’s hard then not to stop.

1 Corinthians 10:31 (ESV) 

31 So, whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God.